


A Choice

by StarTrekkin08



Category: Star Trek: Voyager
Genre: Angst and Feels, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Brain Surgery, Confusion, Declarations Of Love, Depression, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Episode: s07e16-17 Workforce, F/M, Fluff and Hurt/Comfort, Memory Alteration, Memory Loss, Missing Scene, Smut, Vulcan Mind Melds
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-01
Updated: 2020-07-01
Packaged: 2021-03-04 18:55:33
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 8,921
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25011253
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/StarTrekkin08/pseuds/StarTrekkin08
Summary: Kathryn has some complications in remembering her true life.
Relationships: Chakotay/Kathryn Janeway, Jaffen & Kathryn Janeway, Jaffen/Kathryn Janeway
Comments: 11
Kudos: 46





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Set during the episode, "Workforce: Part II."
> 
> Seriously, I feel like there's not enough fanfic on this two-parter episode about what happens afterwards. ;)

Kathryn Janeway entered the room and the door slid closed behind her. She stood as if she was on a precipice and scanned the room. She saw a desk, a table, chairs, a coffee table, and a lounge chair. She walked over to the dining table and saw the dead flowers sitting in a vase. Kathryn moved onto the objects near the viewport and brushed her fingers across them as she walked past. These objects had no meaning to her but they were interesting trinkets of some cultural or historical value. Nearby was a gramophone and a grandfather clock swinging away. She entered the adjacent room, which seemed to be the bedroom. There was a set of drawer compartments against the wall that she decided to explore. Most of the drawers held clothes but there were objects as well. She found necklaces, earrings and a scarf in one of the drawers. She was opening the last drawer when a chime went off.

“Come in,” she said, “Over here,” when she heard the footsteps stop.

The footsteps continued and reached her.

“How are you doing?” he asked.

She looked at the man who went by the name Chakotay. What a strange name and a strange tattoo.

“I’m fine but nothing is jogging my memory.”

She picked up a small album and opened and opened it. There was a picture of two adults and two girls.

“I’m guessing this is my family based on the red hair.”

“Yes.”

She flipped to the next photo of a man with sandy hair in a Starfleet uniform. He looked to be in his early twenties. Kathryn asked, “Who’s this?”

“I don’t know. Tuvok might know,” the man, Chakotay, said.

“Why Tuvok?”

“He’s known you longer.”

She flipped to the next photo. It was a photo of her, a dog, and a man. She shook her head and said, “I still have no idea.”

“That’s your dog, an Irish Setter named Molly. Next to her is Mark, a former fiancé of yours.”

The next photo she flipped to was a photo of the Voyager crew in the mess hall.

He said, “We took that a few years ago for Ancestor’s Day.”

“It’s a great picture.”

“It is.”

She flipped to the next sleeve. It wasn’t a photo but a dried, pressed, sunset-colored rose. She touched the rose carefully, then turned the next sleeves, which were empty and she closed the album and put it in the back of the drawer. Kathryn picked up a silver pocket watch and touched the smooth face of it.

“I...I gave that to you as a birthday present several years ago,” he said.

“It’s beautiful,” she said and looked at Chakotay. “Wasn’t there a story behind it?”

“Yes. There was British naval captain named Captain Cray who lived in the nineteenth century. His ship was hit by a typhoon and their ship was believed to have been lost. Eight months later they rolled into London harbor with the few remains of the ship. He got his crew home...and so will you.”

She gave a sad nod and placed it back.

“If I even remember how to  _ be _ a captain,” she murmured and walked back to the living room. Kathryn continued, “I feel like I’m grasping at straws here. It’s all so unfamiliar and disconnected. How long will it take to regain her...my...memories? What about the others on the crew? How will they be when they regain their memories?”

Chakotay placed a hand on her shoulder. “You will remember. We already have people who already have their memories back. The crew will be fine, Kathryn.”

She looked at him and said, “You’re the only one who has called me Kathryn and not captain. Why is that?”

“Because you asked me to,” he said and took his hand off her arm.

“Have you been shown how to access your log?”

“Yes, B’Elanna showed me. I haven’t read any of them yet.”

“It may help. Well, I have to take care of a few things but if you need anything,” he tapped on his combadge, “I’m not far away.”

He left with a swish of the door.

…

Kathryn looked up her Starfleet profile first. She had a mother, Gretchen Janeway, and a sister named Phoebe. Her father, Edward, died while she was in her early twenties and fresh out of Starfleet. Captain Kathryn Janeway used to be a science officer before being recommended for command by Admiral Paris, it said. Although she held command of a ship before, the U.S.S. Voyager was her first major command. Before resuming, she walked over to her replicator and ordered a coffee and sat down.

She read and said aloud what the objective of Voyager’s mission was. It read:

_ The mission of the U.S.S. Voyager is to capture the Maquis crew aboard the Val Jean, under the command of Captain Chakotay. The Val Jean has been missing for a week in the Badlands. Starfleet has an officer onboard, a Vulcan, Lieutenant Commander Tuvok, who will be debriefed upon return. The Maquis will be questioned about their resistance activities in the war, which has been primarily located on the Cardassian front near the Badlands. Afterwards, the crew of the Val Jean will be placed in prison and the U.S.S. Voyager will be reassigned in the Dominion War. This mission is expected to be completed in three weeks. _

Her stomach had a knot growing inside and she took a look at the door.

‘Chakotay and his crew were some sort of outlaws? How could that be? I don’t see an outlaw. I mean, he’s my first officer on a Starfleet ship! Is this a mistake?’ she thought. 

She knew she could trust him; she just knew it. She read her first log entries to find out more.

After thirty minutes she pushed herself away from the desk and walked over to the viewport with whatever was left of her coffee.

“I'm the reason we’re here in this mess. It’s all my fault and I don’t even know who I am,” she said to the stars.

It was all giving her a headache and she decided to close her eyes for a bit.

…

When she got up from resting she decided to walk around the ship. As she walked down the halls she was met with a million, “Captain,” greetings and nods by passing crewmen she had no knowledge of. Kathryn realized she had no idea where she was going and was beginning to feel lost and overwhelmed.

“Captain!”

She turned to see a spotted and furry-faced alien beaming at her. He approached her and said, “Good to see you! Have you eaten recently?”

“No, Mr….Neelix, right? From Quarra?”

“Yes, that’s correct. Would you like to grab something to eat in the mess hall with me?”

“Okay.”

They walked into the mess hall, which happened to be only ten feet away.

“Do you remember anything yet?” he said as he went into the kitchen and grabbed some plates.

“No, I don’t.”

He put some food on the plates and set them at the a table. He brought some waters, napkins, and forks once she sat down.

“I stranded all of us in the Delta Quadrant,” Kathryn said before she ate.

“The crew decided to defend a defenseless species named the Ocampa from another called the Kaxon. There was a strong possibility the ship wouldn't make it back to the Alpha Quadrant by helping the Ocampa. If you hadn’t, they would’ve been enslaved and, or, killed by the Kazon. I wouldn’t be onboard Voyager if it wasn’t for your help.”

“Which species are you?”

“Talaxian.”

“Were you part of the Maquis?”

Neelix gave a hearty laugh that made nearby tables stop and stare. “I guess that answers the question,” she said, turning slightly red.

“I’m sorry, captain. I couldn’t help it.” He caught a breath.

“No. I had a girlfriend named Kes who was an Ocampan. She’s no longer on board but she decided to join the ship’s crew as thanks and because we wanted to explore, too.”

“Oh,” she said and finished some of her last recent mouthfuls.

“You hardly have any information, don’t you?” Neelix said as he ate.

“I have only gotten my feet wet.”

“It is a lot to take in, isn’t it?”

“Yes,” she looked down at her plate then at the mess hall.

“Tuvok has known you the longest but he’s still in sickbay. He’s known you for at least twenty years.”

“Who else knows me from before we got here in the Delta Quadrant?”

Neelix said, “Well, you do know Tom’s father, Admiral Paris, but you don’t know Tom too well from before Voyager’s mission, at least, I think.”

“That’s it?”

“The closest person you talk to is Tuvok besides Chakotay.”

“I see,” she said, somewhat disappointed.

“What’s the matter? Is there something wrong with Chakotay? The Maquis are now a part of the crew, you know.”

“No, there’s nothing wrong with him, It’s just that...I was alone with the exception of Tuvok. Everyone else would have been, for the most part, strangers to me.” She took a drink of water and said, “How sad is that?”

After a brief silence Neelix said, “Voyager is family now for all of us. We all support one another. No one is alone on this ship.”

“I...I need to return to my quarters. Thanks for the food.” She stood up.

He stood up and tilted his head in concern. “Do you know your way back? I noticed that you were a little lost earlier.”

She clenched her jaw in anxiety when she realized she did not know. “Not quite.”

“Harry?” He called over to a young man by the food bar and he came over. “Can you escort the captain to her quarters? I’m back on kitchen duty.”

The dark-haired ensign said, “Of course. Captain?” He gestured that they go and she followed him out of the mess hall.

“It’s nice to see you walking around, captain.”

“Your name is Harry?”

“Yes. I’m Ensign Harry Kim.”

“Have you been on Voyager from the start?”

“Yes.”

“Have you been on a starship before Voyager?”

“No, Voyager was my first posting.”

“I’m sorry.”

“I’m not,” he said.”

She looked at him.

‘Everyone here has been great. Even though we are not close to Earth, I am glad to be with people on this ship who give everything they’ve got to get things done and try to get back home.”

“Were you down on Quarra? I’ve never seen you.”

“I was on the ship. I communicated with Commander Chakotay down on the planet.”

“You were the one who asked if he had found anyone from the ship?”

“Yes.”

“Thank you.”

“You’re welcome. Well, here are your quarters.”

“See you later,” she said and he left.

…

She slept in due to a migraine that had prevented her from getting up earlier that morning. Kathryn spent most of the day continuing to read logs. Memories have started to flash back from her time on Earth but she foggily remembers the first years on Voyager.

Her door chimed and Mr. Tuvok came in at her invitation.

“Hello, Tuvok,” she said standing in front of him.

“Hello, captain.”

“How are you doing?”

“I am functioning at expected levels, captain. I was about to ask you how you were doing as well.”

“I’m…” 

She shook her head and continued, “I’m struggling.”

“Your memory?” he asked.

“I can only vaguely remember up to our first years on Voyager. I saw a girl, named Naomi Wildman, today and I didn’t know who she was. Well...I still don’t, not really,” she said.

“Have you looked at your logs?”

“I have, but it’s a lot of information and I-” she didn’t finish the rest. She was very upset and overwhelmed.

“I can perform a mind meld to help you regain your memory, if you so wish.”

“Will it hurt?”

He said, “No.”

“All right,” she said and they walked over to the couch and sat down. He placed his hand over the side of her face and uttered the words, “My mind to your mind. My thoughts to your thoughts.”

Hundreds of images crossed her mind. After a few minutes, she began to shake.

“Stop, stop!” She shouted and screamed.

Tuvok released his hand and she buried her head in her hands. Kathryn was sobbing and wailing.

“Captain, hear me. Hear my voice. You are safe in your quarters,” Tuvok said.

She couldn’t hear him. Too many voices. Too many memories. Her head was going to explode in her skull with the pain she felt. Kathryn felt herself losing grip of her consciousness before she passed out.

…

“You did  **_what_ ** ?!” Chakotay’s voice bellowed in sickbay. 

“Even I’m surprised you didn’t consult me for medical advice, first! You were just in here!” The doctor yelled.

They were both standing in front of Tuvok and yelling at him. Chakotay said, “You’ve said multiple times how dangerous a mind meld can be if it is botched!” He paced and returned back to his spot.

“What the hell were you thinking, Tuvok?! You may have interfered with her recovery. You could have caused irreparable memory and brain damage!”

“I tend to agree with the commander,” said the EMH.

Kathryn could hear all of it.

She said, “Stop. Shouting,” she grumbled and started to sit up. They stopped the heated conversation and looked at the captain.

The EMH said, “”How are you feeling, captain?”

“My ears are humming and I feel queasy.”

He scanned her and said, “It looks like you have some vertigo. Here, this should help.”

He clicked together a medical tool and pressed it into her neck.

“Better?” he asked.

“Yes.”

“What is your name?” the doctor asked.

“Really, doctor?” She said.

“Please.”

“Kathryn Janeway.”

“Where are you?”

“Sickbay on Voyager.”

“Which quadrant are we in?”

“The Delta Quadrant.”

“How long have we been in the Delta Quadrant?”

“I...I don’t know.”

The three men looked at each other with concern.

“Do you know who these men are?”

“Chakotay and Tuvok. I’ve known Tuvok since we were on the U.S.S. Billings. Chakotay I’ve known...I’ve known...I’m confused. It was either when he came onto the ship from the Val Jean or on Quarra.”

Chakotay gave Tuvok a stern, worried look and then looked back at Kathryn. Chakotay said, “Since I came into the ship from the Val Jean.”

“You were both Maquis?” she looked at Tuvok and Chakotay in uncertainty.

“I was. Tuvok was a Starfleet spy on my ship,” he said to her.

“Why were you a Maquis?” Kathryn asked.

He sighed and said, “I think that requires a sit-down conversation.”

“Who was born on Voyager?” Tuvok asked her.

“There was a baby on Voyager?”

Tuvok looked at the doctor and said, “She told me that she did not know who Naomi was before the mind meld. That is why I asked. She did not know about recent events, either, but now it appears some information on Quarra.”

Chakotay said, “So now she has a scrambled mix of select memories. Great job, Tuvok! I  _ swear _ I’ll-”

“Commander!” the EMH barked, “I want to communicate with the Quarran doctors, with your permission. We may need their help again.”

“We will definitely need their help. Communicate with the Quarran. We’ll bring her back down for help if we need to,” Chakotay said.

“The rose...the rose was yours,” Kathryn said to no one in particular and everyone stopped what they were doing.

“Tuvok, did your mind meld cause her to be delirious?” Chakotay asked.

“The pressed rose. The one in the album, Chakotay. You gave it to me after our shuttle had crashed.”

Chakotay didn’t say anything even though it looked like he wanted to talk about it. He walked close to her and placed his hand on her head.

“You need to rest, Kathryn.”


	2. Chapter 2

**Days later on the bridge.**

“Are you sorry I showed up?”  
“Not for a second. Resume course, Mr. Paris.”  
...

The day was progressing smoothly. Voyager was back on her path towards Earth. The crew had its memories back and all systems were normal according to B’Elanna’s report. The ship’s supplies had been replenished as a result of Tom, Harry, and Chakotay’s trip before the Quarra incident and the inventory logs had been updated.

“We are going to get our next stream from Earth in five days,” Chakotay said from his seat towards the captain.

“That’s good news,” she said.

“Yes, it is.”

Kathryn said, “I wonder how many of us will share our recent experience in the next data stream to Earth.”

“I have no idea.”

“Thank you,” she said.

Chakotay looked at her quizzically and said, “For what?”

“For looking after us,” she said with softness in her voice.

“I wasn’t the only one,” he shrugged.

“I know.”

“I was only doing what any good first officer would do.”

“Yes, you were. It’s nice to know Voyager is in good hands when I’m gone. Thank you.”

He nodded and thought about her use of the word, “gone.” Soon Chakotay was pulled out of his thoughts.

“Neelix wants to have a party,” she said.

“When?”“Tonight at 17:00 hours.”

Chakotay asked, “Is there a theme? Seems like there is always a theme.”

“Not yet. He thought that the bridge crew should come up with a theme this time,” she said.

“Any ideas?”

“No, but I’m sure Tom has some sort of list,” Chakotay said.

“I’m sure he does,” Kathryn smiled and said, “Tom?”

He turned around from his console.

“Any ideas for the party tonight?” She asked.

“Are you kidding? I have an entire list!” He bounded.

Captain Janeway and Chakotay looked at each other with raised eyebrows and smirks.

“Coordinate with Neelix now, Tom,” she said.

“Yes, ma’am,” and off he went to the turbolift.

She looked back at Chakotay and said, “I’ll be in my ready room if you need me. You have the bridge, commander.”  
…

Kathryn sat down at her desk and looked at her computer. She had completely forgotten about the Starfleet communication back-and-forth to Earth. She decided to look at what else was on her to-do list she may have forgotten.

A while later, Chakotay entered the ready room and handed her a PADD. “Here’s the new duty roster.”

“Thanks.”

He was almost out the door before he turned around. “Bowling,” Chakotay said.

She said, “What?”

“Bowling is the theme for the party. You’ll need to replicate a pair of bowling shoes.”

“That'll be interesting.”

“Are you going to show everybody up and hustle like you did with pool at Chez Sandrine?” He quipped.

She took a drink of coffee and with a teasing look said, “You’ll see.”

“I’m sure I will. You have a competitive bone somewhere in you.”

“How good are you?” She playfully asked.

“You’ll see,” Chakotay replied and smiled mischievously.  
…

Kathryn entered the holodeck with her bowling shoes in hand. She decided to wear some black pants with a white blouse since was was made to be a casual affair. Neelix bounded up to her and said, “Captain! So glad you’ve made it. What do you think?”

She sniffed the air and looked around. “What’s that smell?”

“Well, you know Tom. Instead of using a modern twenty-fourth century bowling alley he chose to go with a twentieth century bowling alley. The smell is supposed to be a mix of bowling shoe disinfectant spray, floor wax, and bowling shoe smells. At the doctor’s insistence we asked everyone to replicate their own bowling shoes so that they fit properly and so forth.” Neelix rolled his eyes.

“We will start when more people have arrived. Here are the different sign-up lists. Here is the list if you want to be on a team and compete with another team in the neighboring lane. The other list is for individual scores and competition.”

Neelix left the table and Kathryn looked over the lists.

“You look like you’re making a serious decision. I would go with this one,” and arm reached past hers and towards a list. It was the list for individual scores and the lane held the names of Chakotay, Tom, Harry, and Sam.

Kathryn said sarcastically, “Oh, but I was so looking forward to joining the Resistance is Futile team,” and looked over her shoulder at Chakotay. He was so close to her that she could feel his breath on her skin. Her cheeks felt a little warm.

“I’m sure Naomi will mellow them out,” he replied.

“Ye-ah,” she elongated and she added herself to Chakotay’s lane.

“Good,” he said and they started to walk over to their lane.

“You’re just curious to see if I’ll beat you,” Kathryn said.

Chakotay matched her pace and said jested, “Perhaps...or to see the reaction of your face when you lose.”

She gave him a little whack with her bowling shoes before she sat down at their lane.

“Ow!” He pretended to be hurt and rubbed his arm. They both put on her bowling shoes. Chakotay sat at the console and input their names.

“Why did you choose the name Amal Kotay while on Quarra?” She asked.

“Well, because Cha didn’t sound like a first name,” he jested, “and I needed a first and last name to blend in.”

“Okay,” she giggled.

“What?” He said and turned around from the console to look at her.

“Cha Chakotay. Sound like the Cha-Cha.”

“Now, that’ll be reason number two,” he chuckled.

“Why Amal?”

“A guy I knew back in Starfleet when I was teaching advanced technical training.”

“Ah,” she said and looked out at the crew who were already at the bowling alley. It looked like Icheb and Naomi were arguing whether or not they should use bumpers for their Resistance is Futile team. Vorik stood while Neelix tried to convince him to bowl. Chell was looking good in a bowling shirt he replicated and happened to match his bowling shoes. B’Elanna was sitting down at the sign-up table with enough room for her baby bump. Chakotay finished with the console and walked over to sit next to Kathryn.

“What are you thinking about?” He asked her.

“I was thinking about all of the other people who had their memories wiped on Quarra. I thought about all of the alien species. Where they came from and how long they had been there. A year? Five years? Longer? What if they were already married in their regular, real lives? Did they forget about their spouses and remarry on Quarra? Kids? Friends? Year after year..gone. Just gone. We could have been those people, stuck in another life for years,” she said with a sigh.

“Luckily that wasn’t our situation and at least they know the truth now.”

“Yes, but at a cost. They may have wished they never knew to begin with,” she said downcast and Chakotay bit his lip.  
Their thoughts were interrupted by a visitor.

“Naomi is so excited about this,” Sam said and joined them at their lane. “She doesn’t understand why kids can use two hands to bowl but adults have to use one hand.”  
All three smiled and Chakotay, relieved from their last conversation, asked, “Have you seen Harry?”  
Sam said, “He replicated the wrong shows and had to get a new pair.”  
…

It was an hour later and they were on the eleventh frame. Kathryn and Chakotay were neck-in-neck with Tom, Sam, and then Harry following behind.

“Your turn, captain. Remember, it’s your last chance unless you can get a spare or strike,” Chakotay said while eating some of the cheese and crackers Neelix prepared.

“Oh, I know, and I’ll make it to the twelfth frame and leave you in the dust,” she said with a smug look.  
Kathryn positioned and aligned herself at the dots. She launched her walk forward and moved her arm back with the bowling ball. Just as soon as she was moving her arm forward she fell unnaturally onto the floor and gasped.

“Captain?” Tom said, “Are you alright?”

They couldn’t see her face from the chairs. When she didn’t immediately respond Chakotay briskly went to her.

“Are you hurt?” he said.

“Yes. I think I slipped on something,” Kathryn said with painful strain on her face.

“It was probably the floor wax Harry must have trailed when he crossed over the line.”

Tom smacked Harry in the background.

“Can you stand?” Chakotay asked.

“I don’t know but I’ll try.” She needed help to stand up and could walk but with a significant limp.

“I’ll take the captain to sickbay. Harry, get the wax cleaned up.”  
…

They left the holodeck with Chakotay supporting her.

“Was this your way of giving me a win?” He joked.

“Not a chance.”

Luckily, sickbay was only a deck above so they took the turbolift.

“I don’t know that I could expect you to curve the bowling ball. You just like to be fancy,” she said.

“Or maybe because I just have some major skills.” His dimples showed as the turbolift doors opened. Thy walked a few steps and Kathryn let out a whimper and stopped.

“Chakotay, I can’t go any further. It hurts too much.”

He nodded and without warning Chakotay lifted her up and over his shoulder.

“Chakotay! We could have just transported.”

“It’s right there and it would be a waste of our energy resources. ”

“Chakotay,” she said with a smiling, an exasperated look.

He carried on and walked into sickbay with her still on his shoulder.

“Commander?” the EMH asked upon entry.

“The captain slipped on some bowling alley wax at the party.” He placed her gently on the biobed as if she was a feather.

The Doctor scanned her with the medical tricorder and said, “You have three sprains and a hairline fracture. That must’ve been some fall,” he said and started to repair the

damage.

“You didn’t have to go to extremes, captain. I’ll still beat you,” Chakotay said.

“You keep believing that, commander,” she said.

The doctor finished her repairs and asked, “Captain, have you been experiencing migraines?”

After a pause, she responded, “Yes.”

Chakotay straightened up a little.

“While I was scanning I noticed that your neuroreceptors are off.”

“I see. Well,” she slapped her things and stood up, “so they’re off! Right now I need to whoop Mr. Chakotay in bowling.”

“I want to check it out,” said the doctor.

“Afterwards,” she said and took a step forward but Chakotay blocked her path. He said, “It can wait awhile longer. Let the doctor examine your head.”

Kathryn looked in defeat at the doctor. “Fine.” She sat down on the biobed.

He scanned her head and asked, “How long have you been having these headaches and migraines?”

“Three days ago.”

“How often?”

“At least two times.”

“Total?”

After another slight delay she said, “A day,” and braced for the reaction.

Chakotay frowned and said, “Captain! You should have said something.”

“Did you already have one today?” the doctor asked.

“Yes.”

“When?”

“One about an hour ago and another at 09:00.”

“I’m going to give you some hydrocortilene,” he said and pressed a hypospray to her neck. “Next time you have a headache you will need to come straight to sickbay to make sure you are not acquiring lasting damage.”

“If I say yes, can I leave?” She asked. The doctor nodded.

“I’ll make sure to come to sickbay when I have a headache. I promise.”

“I am holding you to that, captain. You may go.”  
Kathryn walked out the door with Chakotay following her. He said seriously, “Kathryn, you should have said something about your migraines.”

“I didn’t think it was a big deal.”

Chakotay took hold of her arm and faced her. “It is a big deal. Your memories have been overhauled three times. We don’t know all the effects of the botched mind meld and Quarran treatments. We have to take these headaches seriously.”

“So...does that mean you will give me a handicap on our game?” She teased.

“Just take it seriously, okay? Also...not a chance!” Then they continued to walk back to the party.  
…

Chakotay won the game by five points. They were putting on their regular shoes or putting food in their mouths.

“Nice work, Chakotay, but I would’ve beaten you if I wasn’t pregnant,” said B’Elanna.

“Perhaps, but you’ll have to wait to find out,” Chakotay said.

“Maybe by that time Harry will have learned not to cross the line,” Tom said.

Harry exclaimed, “It was an accident!”

During all of this Kathryn didn’t say a word. Once she put on her shoes she went to sit at one of the tables on the main level that overlooked the bowling alley lanes. She saw Sam walking over to Naomi’s team, who lost to The Flamers, Neelix’s team. Tuvok was discussing the physics of bowling and how humans are too emotionally involved in sports.

As Neelix neared the table the captain said, “Good party, Neelix.” He replied, “Yes, it was. However,” he leaned over in a hushed tone, “I believe the Resistance is Futile team were sour sports.” He winked. “Are you all right, captain? I saw you take a fall.”

“I’m all right. Thanks.”

Neelix said, “You’re welcome,” and left.

Chakotay walked over and sat down next to her. “Why did twentieth century bowling shoes have incredibly long laces?”

“Your guess is as good as mine.”

“There’s another problem. Tom replicated beer for the party. When I asked about wine he said that wine was uncommon in twentieth century bowling alleys.”

“I see.”

“How about a nightcap? Winner provides the wine and the loser provides the location,” he said with a soft smile.

“Okay, but next time the roles will be in reverse,” she said.


	3. Chapter 3

Not long after Kathryn entered her quarters Chakotay came in with a bottle of wine. He set the bottle down and fished out a wine opener while she gathered the glasses. They sat down on the couch with the bottle on the coffee table.

“Can we talk about something other than bowling?” She asked as he poured the glasses. “It was fun but I’m done with the sport for today.”

“Sure,” he said and he handed her the wine glass, “Cheers.”

“Cheers,” she said as they clinked glasses and took a sip.

“We’ve never played with playing cards, have we?”

Chakotay responded, “Now that I think about it, we haven’t. I’ve played with Harry, Tom, and Neelix, but I don’t think we have.”

“That’s something we could do,” she said.

“Now or later?”

She said, “Either. If we do play a game tonight it should be a simple one.”

Chakotay said, “Do I need to replicate a deck?”

“There should be a deck on my desk.”

Chakotay walked over, brought it back, and sat down.

“You were playing recently?”

“Solitaire. It’s supposed to help with strengthening my mind. The doctor suggested it.”

“What shall we play?”

“War. You know how to play it?” Kathryn said.

“Yes, I do.”

Chakotay shuffled the cards and handed her a stack.

“Puzzles are good for that, too, you know.”

“I’ll keep that in mind.”

They started to play. 

“I thought of an interesting idea. We can have crew members give classes on different hobbies to those interested in learning it,” Chakotay said.

“That sounds like a good idea. Skills, arts, crafts, sports, and more. You can take a survey and see what the crew is interested in doing,” Kathryn said and drank some more of her wine.

He reached for his wine glass and took a drink before setting it back down and continued to play.

“How was your meeting with Jaffen?”

Kathryn was not expecting Chakotay to ask that question and was taken aback.

“It was fine. He was one of the workers whose mind was not altered. He earned a promotion.”

“I noticed he had a duffel bag with him when he came on board. Did he ask to stay?”

Kathryn tread carefully with her answer.

“Yes, not directly, but yes,” she said and took a drink from her wine in a casual way and resumed with their new round through the deck. She knew what he was going to say next.

Chakotay said, “You could have asked him to stay.”

Okay, maybe she didn’t.

“No, I couldn’t have,” she bluntly remarked.

“We have invited people to stay on Voyager before.”

“I am sure you understand why I said no.”

“I would have asked him to stay.” 

She looked at Chakotay with a serious and puzzled look.

“As in you, Commander Chakotay, or as in Captain Janeway?”

“Both,” Chakotay put his stack down to figure out who won the game.

“Well, it’s done and that’s that.” She put her stack down next to his and won. She reshuffled and hoped he would drop it.

“I, as myself, would have been okay because we could use someone with his skills. As the captain I would have said the same knowing it was professional and I hardly know the guy.”

He drank some more wine and took the deck she handed him.

“Chakotay. He wasn’t seeking asylum. He wasn’t a victim of brutality or war. He wasn’t there against his will.”

“Mark’s not in the picture anymore.”

In that instant the ship’s ambient noise and her heartbeat sounded louder than usual as her stomach dropped when she remembered the day she received Mark’s letter.

Kathryn said, “Say that again.” It wasn’t a question. It was an order and a dare.

“Mark’s not in the picture anymore.”

“True, he’s not. However, it would definitely be a double-standard when even Harry Kim’s lady friend wasn’t allowed to stay. Jaffen is a good man but I wouldn’t have been Quarra if my memories and my life were not taken from me. He would have never known me. I’ve only known him for a month and he needs to live his own life.”

“You  _ were _ moving in with him.”

“It is unfair to have someone go to a planet in a quadrant they’ve never been to, nevertheless heard of, with no friends or family for someone who may not be the same person they thought they knew.”

“Apparently, he didn’t mind.” He looked straight at her.

“What do you want me to say, Chakotay? What response are you looking for?!” Kathryn said with an exasperated sigh.

“Just wondering if those were the only reasons.”

Kathryn didn’t say anything as she thought about the times she was with Jaffen. Chakotay tugged on his ear and said, “Did you love him? Are you in love with him?”

“When I was on Quarra...we kissed..once..that night you found your way into my quarters. There was an attraction but...it wasn’t love. It could have eventually gotten there, possibly, if I remained unaware of my real life. But I am not in love with Jaffen.”

Memories of Justin, her first fiancé , the sandy-haired man whom Chakotay did not know in the album, floated in her mind. He died too young as one of the casualties of cruel fate. She continued to play cards as she remembered how they met met on a Cardassian warship, how they both saved each other’s lives, and how her father was looking forward to having a son-in-law. Justin proposed on Golden Gate beach. Mark proposed at her family home in Indiana. They had only set a date for the wedding at his insistence before she left on Voyager. It probably was for the best that they didn’t marry because it would have made being in the Delta Quadrant unbearable. Then there was Chakotay, who had not said anything yet but was also continuing to play cards. Her head suddenly felt like it was splitting in two while about to burst out of her head. Kathryn had no warning of its onset her cards slipped from her hand and onto the deck and cried out in pain as she held onto her head. 

“Kathryn?”

“This migraine is-” was all she could say before she was and felt herself falling and being pulled into a painful dark abyss.

…

Hey eyes blinked open and the pain was gone. Kathryn could tell she was in sickbay.

“Welcome back,” Chakotay said.

She sighed and was not ready to talk to him.

“Captain,” said the doctor.

“What time is it?”

“14:00. You have been here since last night. I had to perform emergency neural surgery. You had tears in your prefrontal cortex and your brain was overwhelmed by synaptic neurotransmitters.”

“Was that the cause of the migraines?”

“It appears so. Did you happen to get the migraines after remembering memories from different parts of your past?”

“Now that I think of it, yes.”

“It seems that your memories were causing you pain,” the EMH said.

“In more ways than one,” she said in such a quiet voice she didn’t know if they had heard her.

“Captain, I’ll need you to sit up to see how your head responds to movement.”

The EMH and Chakotay helped her up as she sat up slowly on the surgical biobed.

“Feeling dizzy? Head pounding?” The EMH asked.

“No.”

“Good. From what I can tell, you’ll be back to normal in no time,” the doctor said before he walked to put the tricorder away. All of a sudden, and without warning, Kathryn began to sob into her hands.

The EMH asked, “What happened?” 

Chakotay was just as bewildered as he was and shrugged as he moved closer to her. He placed a hand on her and Kathryn folded into his chest and continued to sob. Chakotay rubbed his hand against her back to help soothe her as Kathryn’s flood of emotions just poured out.  _ Normal _ . Nothing about what she’s been going through was normal. No one else on the ship had serious complications after Quarra as she had. Remembering her past caused exhaustion, migraines, and a negative psychological impact on her. All of the tragedies and heartbreak. Being away from her family on Earth. Holding the responsibility of getting the crew home on her shoulders. Especially now that they were in contact with Starfleet. It was all too much, even with the positive memories, which were just as powerful. 

"Can you get her a sedative?" Chakotay asked the doctor.

"I wouldn't after her particular surgery," the EMH replied.

After crying so much her abdomen was sore, she finally had settled down to sniffles.

“Better?” Chakotay’s voice reverberated.

She nodded with her face still buried in his chest. 

“Take all of the time you need.”

Chakotay smelled good and felt like a blanket around her. Eventually she started to shuffle her body away from his and when she did he had tissue ready for her in his hand. She graciously took a few and wiped her face. He gave her some more and she cleared her sniffles. Kathryn looks at his uniform and murmured, “ I made a mess of your uniform.”

Chakotay’s eyes sparkled and he said, “A little moisture never hurt anyone. I’ll change later.”

Kathryn said, “I couldn’t control it. It all just bubbled to the surface.”

“Possibly long overdue,” the doctor said.

“Chakotay, I think you will need to command Voyager for a while. Perhaps a week or more.”

“Whatever you need for however long you need.”

“I need to step away from the ship awhile and find some peace.”

The EMH said, “That seems to be a good idea. Perhaps a doctor’s order of respite on the holodeck after you are out of sickbay is what is needed."


	4. Chapter 4

Kathryn desperately needed her respite and didn’t realize how much she did until she slept soundly and throughout the night for the first time in a long time. She chose a Victorian house with nearby woods and creek on the holodeck. She was left alone minus a few visits from the doctor and occasional updates from Chakotay. She decided to limit her holodeck stay to five days of the fourteen she took off after her release from sickbay. She already returned to her quarters earlier that afternoon and was now curled up in her armchair with a blanket and a book when her door chimed.

“Come in,” she responded as she flipped the next page.

“Am I interrupting?”

Kathryn gently closed her book and said, “Not at all.”

She looked up and saw that Chakotay held something in his hands.

“Good. I figured you haven’t eaten dinner yet, so I brought some over,” he said with a smile.

“I haven’t had dinner yet and that does smell delicious.”

Pleased at the acceptance of his invitation, he said, “Okay, then. I’ll set it up. Keep reading your book,” and he made his way to her dining table. Kathryn opened up her book but could not focus on the words as she watched Chakotay out of the corner of her eye.

“Dinner’s ready,” Chakotay said near the table.

She pushed the blanket off of her and placed the book on the chair. Her bare feet could feel the firmness of the carpet below as she walked over to the table, where he was holding a chair out for her. “Thanks,” she said as she sat down and pushed her in. Before her was a plate of rice, vegetables, tortellini, and buttered French bread.

“The doctor advised that you stay away from caffeine, alcohol, or synthethol, so I just got us some water.

Sarcastically, Kathryn said, “You’re such a fun killer.”

Chakotay’s right cheek cracked into a smile and reassured her it was best by saying, “He’s just looking out for your health.”

“I know,” she drawled on. “Well, this looks wonderful, Chakotay. Thank you.: She said as she looked at the lit candles and the food. He nodded his head and they dug in. Kathryn was glad that he was in a casual blue-green shirt because she would’ve felt a bit more awkward sitting with barefeet if he had been wearing his uniform.

“How was the holodeck?” He asked.

“It was relaxing.”

“Good. You did look comfortable in that hammock when I dropped that report off.”

“Yes. If felt good to absorb the sun a bit even it wasn’t the real thing.”

“I know what you mean. Whenever I visited my cousins in Arizona the sun always felt like it was burrowing into ever fiber of my body. It's as if you are being given new life.”

“Exactly. At least, until you get sunburned. When I was nine I got sunburned on my face and neck. I was peeling for a week.”

“Ouch.”

“Now I’m better at protecting my skin.” She swore she saw him blush a bit.

“I’m sure you are a little wiser than when you were nine,” he smiled with a dimple in the corner of cheek.

Kathryn smiled and replied, “Most definitely.”

They finished up their meal and walked over to the couch with waters in hand. When they sat down, angled towards each other he asked, “Any more headaches?”

“No, no more headaches.”

Chakotay nodded and looked down at the water in his hand. “I’m sorry,” he said softly.

She raised an eyebrow and said, “Sorry for what?”

“I’m sorry if I pushed you too hard to remember your life on Voyager.” His hands started to grip the glass a little tighter. His body became rigid and he said, “I was angry when you only remembered that I was a Maquis after Tuvok performed that botched mind meld. I **never** want you to look at me as _**just**_ a Maquis.”  
He still wasn’t looking at her and his voice was absolute with frustration buried within. Chakotay calmed himself with a drink of water.

“Chakotay, you gave me what I needed. You didn’t excessively push me. There is nothing to forgive. Also,” she leaned slightly, “even when all I could gather about you was that you were a Maquis I knew, deep down, that I could trust you. Even on Quarra. I didn't know you but I inherently trusted you and it didn’t take much for you to convince me of this life I have. Even Jaffen didn’t and couldn’t understand. You are **not** a Maquis anymore. You can never be ‘just a Maquis’ to me because it doesn’t exist. That is long, long behind us.” She took a drink of water and set the glass down. She continued and with a smile and said, “Besides, then that would make me an uptight, stuffy, Starfleet captain who doesn’t work well with others. I couldn’t have that, either.”

“Good,” he said.

Kathryn could tell that something else was bugging him. She saw him tug his ear and shuffle uneasily on the couch.

“Chakotay, what is it?” She implored.

Chakotay blurted out, “I was jealous. I was jealous of Jaffen.”

Her heart started to flip as her stomach dropped. Chakotay looked at her and said, “He got to experience a Kathryn Janeway with no restrictions; no walls. It seemed that you were happy. Genuinely happy,” he gulped and continued, “...and to think I may have taken that away...that happiness...it’s eating me inside. I don’t feel like I deserve forgiveness.”

Chakotay’s voice shook with distress. There were tears forming in his eyes and he hung his head down from his shoulders and placed his water down on the table. Kathryn looked at him with a knot forming in her throat while she figured out how to say the next words that would come out of her mouth.  
Finally, after a brief pause, she said, “I told you once that I wasn’t sorry that you came back for us, for me. I meant every word of it.” She took his hand under hers and he looked at her eyes.

“Jaffen asked why I was throwing everything we had on Quarra the night I helped you. I didn’t know why at the time. You asked if there was another reason why I didn’t allow him to join Voyager,” she let out a sigh and squeezed his hands. “It’s because I chose you then. And I choose you now. I chose you over Jaffen. I choose _**you**_ , Chakotay.”  
Kathryn felt the tears fall from her eyes and she bit her lip to try to control the trembling lips. Chakotay’s face was full of love as he let out a smile. He took his free hand and wiped away her tears with the stroke of her cheek. Kathryn felt herself melting under his touch. He brought her face to his and placed his lips on hers. Their lips were warm and soft as their kiss set out an emotional wave among them. Chakotay caked his face just enough to say, “I’ve wanted to do that for years. This isn’t a dream, is it?” His warm breath hovered over her lips.

“It’s not a dream. Don’t stop,” she said and quivered.

His lips crashed upon hers and she responded in kind. Her heart leapt out as they deepened their kisses. She let go of his hand and placed it behind his neck and he pulled her waist closer to him. She placed her other hand on his chest, which was pounding as intensely as hers. She couldn’t tell who was shaking; it was him, her, or the both of them. It didn’t matter. Kathryn gripped his shirt and then she started to feel his chest underneath. Kathryn lifted his shirt up to his chest. Chakotay pulled it off the rest of the way and revealed his toned, bronze skin. His fingers played under her shirt’s edges and she pulled hers off as well, letting his skin brush her sides as he did so. Chakotay stood up and brought her up to her feet as well, pressing her body against his. He weaved his fingers through her hair and trailed kisses down to the nape of her neck, where he took his time. She clutched his back and leaned her head back with a pleasurable sigh.

He switched to the other side of her neck and said, “Just to let you know,” he gave her a kiss, “if I continue the way we’re going, I don't think I’ll be able to stop.” He gave another kiss on her neck.

“Then keep going,” she said wistfully.

Chakotay moved his lips away from her glowing neck back to her mouth, where they explored with their tongues. He grabbed a handful of her buttcheeks, causing her to moan.

Kathryn could feel Chakotay getting harder by the second. They managed their way into her bedroom. She started to fiddle with the fastenings of his pants before moving it down. He pulled the pants off with his shoes and socks, returning the favor on her pants before she pulled them off her barefeet. He slipped his hands down under her bra and the back of her panties and gripped them booth, causing more sounds to escape Kathryn’s lips. Chakotay picked her up and laid her gently on the bed before joining her. He looked down at her with tenderness and said, “Kathryn, spirits, you’re beautiful.”

Kathryn returned the affection with her smile and glistening eyes. Her hands reached his face and pulled him down for a kiss. As they kissed he unhooked her bra and slid it off. At the same time they removed the rest of their underwear and left themselves completely bare. He moved his hands over her breasts, tasting them one by one, causing her to sigh loudly. Kathryn felt him slide into her as he watched her face react to his entry. Chakotay’s hips moved slowly, causing her to crave more with each thrust as he moved deeper in. Her hands moved up and down his back and ass. Chakotay propped her legs around his waist, clutched her ass to press her body tightly against him, and continued to kiss her mouth. Kathryn’s back arched into him while he did not let her mouth surrender away from his. She felt the explosive moment coming at any second for both of them, as he too was moaning excessively. Her legs started to buckle and collapse as her release was nearing.

“Chakotay,” she cried.

“Kathryn,” he cried as they both came and shuddered. They clutched each other tightly for a while before their lower extremities stopped pulsating. Chakotay kissed her and slipped out, rolling to his side. They caught their breaths and looked at each other. He looked at her and chuckled. She blushed and smiled.

“I love you, Kathryn.”

“I love you, too, Chakotay.”

“I’m going to take a shower. Join me?”

“Go ahead and take a shower first. I still need to catch my breath!” She giggled.

“Okay, then, but while I’m in the shower, keep thinking of me,” he said with a wink. She watched Chakotay’s naked body move to the refresher and blushed once again. She put on a robe and gathered their clothes. Kathryn took them to be cleaned and also replicated some pajamas for him as well. She placed his fresh clothes and the pajamas on the dresser. She gathered her underwear and nightgown next to her on the bed as she waited. Chakotay emerged from the shower from a towel around his waist. Kathryn imagined it falling onto the ground as he walked into the bedroom.

He glanced at the clean clothes and said, “Pajamas? And I thought you might just kick me out with my clean clothes.” His gorgeous dimples showed.

Playfully, she said, “Just in case. My turn.” She winked and just as she was about to pass him towards the shower he swung her into his arms. Sensually, he said, “I’ll put on the pajamas,” and gave her a kiss before releasing her to the sonic shower.  
…

Kathryn emerged in her nightgown with a smile when she saw Chakotay sitting on the couch in pajamas. She wanted to clutch him once again, as she sat down right next to him he pulled out a red rose from behind his back.

“This is for you. You can add it to your dried rose collection when it fades. So you don’t forget.”  
She took it and smelled its perfume while remembering him seeing his old pressed rose and how she told him that he was the one who gave it to her. She grinned.

“These,” he gestured to the strawberries on the table, “are for us.” Chakotay took a strawberry and brought it up to her mouth for a bite.

“That’s good,” she said after she took a bite.

They finished the rest of the strawberries and Kathryn placed her legs across his lap, leaning herself against his chest. Chakotay placed his arms around her and felt the smooth skin of her arms.

“How do you want us to deal with our crew and..this..our relationship?” He asked while he stroked her arm.

“Keep it between us for now. If they find out, or when we feel it’s time, we’ll announce it together.”

“Sounds good to me.”

She stretched upwards to kiss him. Their engulfed mouths tasted the strawberries’ lingering taste from the other’s mouth.

“Chakotay?”

“Yes?”

“Take me to bed.”

“Yes, Kathryn.”  
She was glad she still had a day of leave left as he took her into his arms in more ways than one. After all, there was a bowling re-match he owed her.

**Author's Note:**

> Written 3/??/2020-3/21/2020.  
> This is one of the stories I had hand written and had to type up.
> 
> I don't own rights to Voyager.


End file.
